You son of a Bitch

Much like anything else in a man’s life, I sacrificed my happiness for my family and we got a dog. Another eating, breathing, shitting machine to add to the daily mix of crazy. Having now become a dog owner, here are my top complaints about the things that dogs and their owners do that bother me.

Licking:

It was not long after we got the dog that I was introduced to the most vile and disgusting sound in the world….the sound of a dog licking something. The sounds of a dog tounging anything and everything in sight makes me sick. I am also pretty sure that the dog is fully aware of my disdain for his vile, but totally natural and normal (for a dog) behavior. Whether it’s the last of the food in his bowl, his balls, or your face (more on that later) I will never not be skeeved out by the sound. I’m guessing that my old man felt the same way, which is why our childhood dog lived outside.

Dog Parents

I am not this dog’s daddy, so please do not refer to me as such. I did not sire him, nor was he ripped from my wife’s loins (insert witty and comical double entendre about bitches here). My dog was a product and I purchased him to obey and provide me with companionship. In actuality, I am more of a captor than a father and he is suffering from a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome. Do I buy him shit he doesn’t need and make sure he is well taken care of much like I do my REAL kids? Sure. But please don’t call me a doggy daddy you creepy ass weirdo. I would venture a guess that anyone referring to themselves as a doggy daddy or doggy mommy probably has a mental disorder. This is further compounded based on the fact that they also don’t mind when the dog goes from licking its arsehole to your face without pause.

That is all. Shields up.